Or, at least, that’s how I imagine it might be like. The truth is I’ve never kissed a girl. But before you pity me, let me be clear: I’ve chosen to save my first kiss until marriage.
Now, I’m very curious to know what is going through your mind right now. Perhaps some of you still pity me. Maybe some of you admire me (though God knows I definitely don’t deserve it). Some may think it is a nice but antique idea. Others may be offended, thinking I’m some kind of prude who wants to not only deprive myself of certain relational enjoyments, but also deprive everyone else as well.
But to be honest, I desire none of those responses. All I want is for you to give me a few moments and let me tell you why I’ve made such a choice. This will only be a basic summary, not a detailed analysis, but when we’re finished I hope to have given you something to think about, whether we agree or disagree.
I. Why Should Marriage Matter to the Unmarried?
All of this begins with my concept of marriage. I believe that marriage is the most unique of all human relationships. Each type of relationship is special in its own way, but a husband and wife share more unique, private experiences, both emotional and physical, than anyone else.
For simplicity sake, we’re just going to look at the physical aspects of relationships, and even then, more narrowly focused on the American culture in which I live. I realize these things may vary from culture to culture a bit.
There are certain acts that are common to human interactions – hugs, touching hands (handshakes, an act of comfort, holding hands in prayer or song, etc.), and so on. But there are other acts which are exclusive to husband and wife – primarily but not limited to sex of any kind. These interactions not only emphasize and enhance the intimacy of the marriage relationship, but also its uniqueness. By choosing to refrain from these exclusive acts outside of marriage, a person upholds the value and holiness (set-apartness) of marriage.
This commitment to uniqueness, however, begins even before marriage. For example, if you believe that sexual intercourse is exclusive to marriage, would you go around having sex with anyone you want up until your wedding day and then after that only with your spouse? Of course not! You understand that sexual intercourse is to be a unique, shared experience with your spouse only.
Therefore, even before marriage, you are faithful to your spouse by not having sex with anyone who isn’t your spouse. This also excludes anyone you’re dating or even engaged to. Unless he/she is your spouse, you do not have spousal rights.
Support for such a view of marriage is not very common or popular. Even among Christians who vow to abstain from sex until marriage, the idea of honoring your spouse before marriage tends to be very limited and compartmentalized.
For example, a couple may promise to wait until marriage to have sexual intercourse, but they might consider anything up to that point to be permissible. But is that really respecting the holiness of marriage? Is it only sexual intercourse that is unique to marriage or is it anything and everything sexual?
II. To Kiss or Not to Kiss?
So what does any of this have to do with kissing? Where do you draw the line between what is to be saved for marriage and what is acceptable before marriage?
The first thing I’d like to say is that the most important question isn’t, “How far can I go without it being wrong?” but “How far can I go to protect the uniqueness and sacredness of marriage?” The focus should be on guarding and cherishing the heart of your future spouse.
Secondly, I’d like to suggest the following principle: Any act that is unique to the marriage relationship should be abstained from until marriage.
Basically, ask yourself this: will I be doing such-and-such with anyone but my spouse once I’m married? If the answer is no, then it is an act unique to marriage and should be saved for your spouse only… and unless you have a spouse, that means you don’t get to do it yet. Or, better phrased, you get to keep that part of yourself especially for the person you marry.
Now, I’m aware that there are some grey areas and I am not advocating drawing a line between marriage and non-marriage that says “no physical contact before, even in dating.” I believe that marriage is significantly different than anything before it, but I also see how dating can be a transitional phase between “just friends” and “just married.” Thus, it lends itself to those types of physical interactions which gradually increase in intimacy as two people grow closer to each other.
To be clear, I’m not trying to give you step-by-step instructions on how to live your love life. Rather, I’m trying to suggest some general principles that you could apply to your own experiences. It is the responsibility of each couple to determine their boundaries within the context of purity.
None of this is to say that physical touch is bad. On the contrary, it is healthy and necessary in any intimate human relationship. It is even likely that a relationship in our culture might suffer from a complete denial of physical expression. But that doesn’t negate the truth that some interactions are to be reserved only for the marriage relationship.
Let’s look at a couple examples of how this might look in real life.
Exhibit A: Hugging. Once you are married, you will continue to hug people other than your spouse. Therefore, a basic hug is not unique to marriage, and can be shared with your significant other before marriage.
Of course, as a couple grows closer, the intimacy of hugs may increase. Since it is so difficult to determine when a hug becomes too intimate for dating, it is the responsibility of the couple to draw a line that protects the uniqueness of marriage.
Exhibit B: Kissing. Once you are married, you will not kiss anyone on the lips except your spouse. Therefore, it is an act unique to marriage, and should be saved for your spouse alone. In some cultures, a person might kiss someone they’re not married to – for example, their child – but this is clearly different than the romantic kiss we’re referring to here. Since it is easy to see the intended intimacy of such a kiss, it should be saved until marriage.
In other words, you could argue forever about the fuzzy line between a “regular hug” and a “romantic hug,” and so I believe these grey areas of physical intimacy must be determined on a personal basis through communication between the couple during the transitional phase of dating.
However, no such argument can take place about kissing on the lips. Such a kiss, as shared by a couple, is always romantic; it is therefore not a grey issue and does not belong in the transitional phase of dating. Instead, it and other such interactions are to be saved for the uniqueness of marriage.
III. What Really Matters Here?
Obviously, these are very simple examples, and real life is much more complicated. But I hope you get the idea of protecting the uniqueness of marriage even before you’re married. Until the day you marry your girlfriend, she is not your wife. Until the day you marry your boyfriend, he is not your husband.
Mainly we’ve focused on the physical side of relationships, but this also applies to emotional intimacy. In fact, I think that the physical and emotional sides of our being are so interwoven that sometimes we do a disservice by discussing them as if they are wholly separate. So whether we’re talking about our bodies or our emotions, what we’re really talking about is how our thoughts and actions affect not only our own hearts, but each other’s hearts as well.
So my question is this: what are you doing now – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually – to invest in the quality of your future marriage?
Of course, the idea of preparing for marriage even before your wedding day doesn’t solve all pre-marital problems. Delayed gratification can still be a difficult process. And where to draw the line between developing a current relationship and saving yourself for your future spouse can be confusing at times.
But, in my own experience, the idea of cherishing my future spouse has helped me to shift my focus away from myself. If I believe that one day I’ll meet someone who I’ll spend the rest of my life with, then reserving certain aspects of myself in the present no longer becomes a burdensome barrier, but rather a way for me to love my spouse – before I even meet her!
Or, if I believe the person I’m with is someone I’ll want to marry (which, in my opinion, is the only good reason to date), then, as hard as it may be at times, I can have patience because I know I’ll have my whole life to share with her and that I don’t have to do it all right now. It can be a gradual process as the relationship grows.
And if somehow I don’t end up with that person, then at least I know that I’ve treated her respectfully. After all, if she isn’t my true love, then she is likely to be someone
else’s, and I want to honor her and her future spouse, just as I hope that my future spouse is honoring me and being honored by others.
In the end, there are so many complications and variables that it can seem like too much to handle. If so much about our future marriages rests on what we are doing now, and if we make so many mistakes in the present, how can we ever hope to be happy?
It is not my goal to discourage you with all these ideas about honoring your spouse ahead of time. To be sure, we have all messed up and hurt those we love, and we will continue to do so from time to time. But with God, there is always mercy and forgiveness. And more than that, there is renewal. Though we stray from the path, if we ask God and put our trust in Him, He will always be there to guide us back to where He wants us to be.
The amount of times we’ve failed is not as important as the true desire of our heart to honor God and our future spouses. King David made a multitude of mistakes, and yet he was considered a man after God’s own heart. I think this is because he always returned to God and allowed God to forgive and renew him.
We, too, can have that kind of relationship with God. As we learn to trust God with every aspect of our relationships, we’ll find that although He doesn’t always remove every obstacle or difficulty, He will always do whatever is best for us. And as His love grows in our hearts, we will be able to share that love with others, including our future spouses.
By: Jason T. Vanderlaan
From the book Unspoken Confessions
(Balm and Blade Publishing)
Get the book! at http://balmandblade.com/books.htm
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