Boundaries? By: Grantley Morries

It’s not for me to lay down rules, Of necessity, however, every couple needs to establish their own rules. Limits must be soberly and prayerfully determined and set in concrete ahead of time. To leave it to spur-of-the-moment feelings to influence where we draw the line is too foolish to contemplate.

The tragedy is that we only have to let ourselves down once and it is like breaking down a safety barrier than can never be repaired. It is forever harder not to again go careering over the edge at the same point. We can only erect another barrier still further from the edge but it will always be weaker than the original safety barrier. That entire area is less safe than before. What we could previously get away with will now be too dangerous.

It’s a fact of life that we each set boundaries. Especially in the early stages of a relationship, however, we are nervous about spelling them out to our friend. We hope he/she is a mind reader or miraculously happens to think exactly like us. That’s about as unlikely as it is that we both had identical dreams last night. We are all built differently. Honorable men who wouldn’t dare touch their girlfriend’s breasts might be alarmed to learn that certain women are even more aroused by having their earlobes kissed. And there are women who would be shocked to learn that touching some men’s nipples is as sexually dangerous as could ever be the case with a woman’s nipples. Human variability is so pronounced that no matter how many partners our friend has had, there are probably some aspects of our sexuality that our friend has never before encountered. This makes it so dangerous to clam up about our personal vulnerabilities, vainly hoping that our friend understands our uniqueness or stumbles upon the discovery before too much damage is done.

If we don’t tell our friend ahead of time exactly where we draw the line, we lose the advantage of having our friend’s support in maintaining those standards. Keeping secret the precise location of your carefully erected safety rails means your friend is never sure whether you are transgressing your personal standards. This renders us less motivated not to let ourselves down in the heat of the moment. Another concern is that unless it is openly discussed, your friend might mistakenly assume that you feel coldly towards him/her, when it is simply where you would draw the line with any person, no matter how deep your feelings.

We need to get it not only into our heads, but deep into our hearts, that the standards one sets reflect one’s morality, not one’s weakness, nor one’s passion or commitment to the relationship. If your friend surrenders to your seductive wiles by lowering his/her standards, it proves not what a good lover you are, but how low you have stooped. No matter how minor the infringement, by trespassing his/her boundaries, you have not only abused the person you claim to respect, you have seared that person’s conscience. Spiritually, the sin seduction is even worse than forced sex because seduction makes its victim a willing partner in sin. ‘But what we did wasn’t sin!’ you protest. Scripture is clear that if a person yields to what his/she regards as sin, then in God’s eyes it is sin. If you think something is wrong and do it, how can you be innocent in the eyes of the One who sees your heart? (This principle is expounded in Romans 14 and Corinthians 8). For your friend to lower his/her standards for your sake is proof not of your friend’s love, but only of his/her weak self-control and of your ability to act like the devil. There are no winners when that happens.

We know we should talk these things over but it is so hard when we are tentatively getting to know someone. The ability to discuss embarrassing matters is a vital key to a good marriage and to great sex within that marriage. Right now is the perfect time to develop communication skills that will enrich you for the rest of your life. It’s scary, but the benefits are immense.

Insanely In Love By: Grantley Morris

My years of dating combine with my virginity to make me feel I could resist almost any temptation to engage in physical sex. Such thinking is dangerous speculation. Nevertheless, I’ve indulged in this madness to highlight an entirely different area of vulnerability that must be considered when deciding how far is too far. Even if I were completely safe when kissing a woman, what temptation am I inviting afterwards, when I am alone with my thoughts? What sin might my mind slip into while trying to shut my brain down for the night? How hyped up will I get when trying to sleep? What might I be tempted to do to relieve the pressure? Might I avoid sin with her, only to grieve my Lord afterwards in response to passion I had stirred up during my time with her? [Also See Sexual Purity Beyond Legalism]

It had always seemed impossible, but after an apparently endless fight, involving ruthlessly denying myself any sight or thought or touch that even slightly aroused it, I have finally managed, with massive help from God, to put my sex drive to sleep. Having experienced the advantages, there is no way I want to risk waking it.

Yes, an unsuspecting couple might end up sinning together. The blotch would indelibly embed into their brains and like a blood-sucking parasite they would carry the memory inside them until their dying day. But to this consideration, we must add the more subtle but spiritually dangerous matter of what getting amorous might lead to when the couple are apart. And yet to these concerns we are forced to add yet another need for caution about the physical side of a relationship. And this third factor makes me want to be even stricter in the amount of physical contact I permit myself. Here it is: even something as mild as handholding can lower my ability to choose the right life partner.

Did you know that fond – as in ‘She’s fond of him,’ – originally meant stupid or mentally retarded? That initially startles us, but upon further reflection it fits the jigsaw. Modern English language about couples in love is filled with such expressions. He’s insanely jealous, she’s mad about him, they’re crazy about each other. Such expressions are a part of everyday speech because experience has taught multitudes that the high of being in love grossly affects our ability to be level-headed. The exhilaration might be exciting but a reduced ability to make level-headed decisions as to who we marry takes some of the mystery out of why the divorce rate is so high. 

Did you know that far more arranged marriages last than marriages based on romantic love? It’s not surprising when we think about it. What concerns me is that even physical contact lowers still further our ability to choose the right marriage partner. Let me explain.

I am plagued with a deep ache for very basic touch – handholding and a hug. (Mind you, if that need were met it would slowly ignite a burning for going just that little bit further. And if I yielded that tiny bit, I’d be satisfied – for a while. Then a craving would grow to get just that little bit more physical with my friend. On and on it would go, like a junkie, who month after month needs higher and higher doses to keep his craving at bay.) But even without the complication of the need escalating, touch brings with it a most disturbing danger because choosing to marry the wrong person must be one of the worst mistakes anyone can make. If a woman I were dating met my basic need for touch, she would merely be doing something millions could do and yet it would heighten my feelings for this one woman. I might presume that I enjoy a woman’s companionship and hardly be aware that most of my enjoyment has nothing to do with her uniqueness but is just the thrill of having my basic need for touch met, like almost any woman could do. I might only be dating, with marriage being far from my mind, but I cannot guarantee that my feelings for her would never end up drifting towards marriage. The high of having my need for touch met by someone I am dating would further fog my brain at the very time when clear thinking is both more elusive and more important that at almost any other time of my life.

Since there must be few things in life worse than ending up married to the wrong person, this is a matter about which I desperately need to hear from the all-knowing, all-wise Lord. Looking for a partner is most certainly not the time to risk having raging hormones drown out the Spirit’s whispers.

My longing for marriage rose-tints my glasses. I’m so desperate that the moment I see a woman seeming to have the slightest potential as my wife, glaring deficiencies in her vanish in a rose-colored haze. I’m alarmed at how blatantly unsuited to me some of the women were who for a while I thought might possibly be ideal for me.

Have you ever been shocked to discover that a radio announcer isn’t half as good-looking as you had imagined? When getting to know someone there are huge gaps in our knowledge. If we feel positively towards that person our imaginations inevitably fill in these gaps with things that are better than reality. Add to this natural tendency a longing to find as soon as possible that ‘someone special’ and we find ourselves swept off our feet by a torrent of wishful thinking, when getting to know someone we are initially attracted to. How long does it take for women to see their future husbands as someone who burps, snores and picks his nose? How many men see their future wives as someone who will have stretch marks and moods and frivolously spend their hard earned money? We are seldom aware that what we suppose to be our intimate knowledge of our friend is peppered with significant chunks that are not the real person at all, but simply our guesses and wishful thinking. As they say, ‘[Romantic, hormonal] love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener [i.e. we discover reality after it’s too late to correct a life-determining decision].’ 

Even when keeping open their physical eyes, dating couples kiss with their eyes closed. Like you, I want to come to my senses before plunging into what might be the biggest mistake of my life.

We have already mentioned the almost intoxicating ability of touch to generate a feeling of closeness and oneness. It is frighteningly hard not to confuse this physical feeling with a genuine oneness of mind and spirit. When dating, we are unconsciously evaluating someone’s suitability as a potential life partner. Even light petting can create a most convincing illusion of oneness at a time and in an area of life in which illusions can have life-shattering implications.

Friendship is such a vital ingredient of an enduring relationship and yet when hormones kick in, they so dominate as to swamp everything – even the ability to develop genuine friendship. If you are not ruthless in toning things down, by the time things calm down enough to discover that you don’t have what it takes to be good friends, you might already be married.

Our sole defense against spiritual attack is faith in the power of Christ, not faith in human rules. ‘So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature’ (Galatians 5:16). Nevertheless, the same Bible commands us to flee youthful lusts (2 Timothy 2:22). We are called not to stoically endure lustful pressures but to hightail it out of there, putting as much distance between lust and us as we can. This is such an important spiritual principle that on four different occasions the New Testament tells us to flee from sin and temptation (1 Corinthians 6:18; 10:14; 1 Timothy 6:11; 2 Timothy 2:22). That’s how we escape the sin that could entrap us, and fix our eyes on the Author and Perfector of our faith (Hebrews 12:1-2).

Joseph maintained his purity not by praying while enjoying a seductive woman’s attention, but by literally running away from her when she started getting physical (Genesis 39:12). When, day after day before that, Potiphar’s wife had tried to seduce him verbally, ‘he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her’ (Genesis 39:1, emphasis mine). Note how far back from intercourse he drew the line. No matter how inconvenient, nor how much he was missing out on, nor even how weak some people might think him by acting that way, he set boundaries and stuck to them and he even added stricter ones (running) when that became necessary.

We don’t prove what good Christians we are by taking heroin, confident that in Christ we can break the habit at any moment; we prove our devotion to Christ by totally avoiding any experimentation with things that entice. We don’t prove our commitment to Christ by playing chicken with the devil, seeing how close we can get to grieving God without actually falling. Setting a big gap between you and forbidden pleasure is the spiritual, God-honoring way to act.

Practical Help for Christian Singles of all Ages In Setting their Own Guidelines by: Grantley Morris

‘Recently my fiancée and I made the horrible mistake of having sex outside of marriage and it has damaged our relationship, and also severely damaged my relationship with God. I can’t seem to find peace with Him and the adversary is all around me making everything even worse. I have this gut-wrenching feeling inside of me that will not go away. I feel torn apart . . . .’

As I read the heart-breaking e-mail, I learnt that he had been a Christian since he was in his early teens. My mind flashed back to the shock I felt when I first heard the claim that research suggests that nearly as many Christian couples as non-Christian have at least once fallen into premarital sex. Then I remembered what I had once written about temptation, and with that the mystery slowly unraveled. Here’s the gist of what I remembered:

Most people who lose their battle with temptation do so because they don’t start the fight soon enough. They let the Tempter have too many early victories. They give the Evil One easy, uncontested wins by hardly thinking twice about viewing/hearing/reading things that weaken them, and dabbling with ‘legitimate pleasures’ that edge them closer and closer to the crumbling cliff face.

Suppose you are in a leaking boat. You are lounging on deck as the water seeps in a few bucketfuls an hour. No problem. Any fool can bail that out. Hour after hour you continue to snooze until suddenly you find yourself plunging towards the ocean floor. You then bail furiously but it’s too late. The disaster was not the product of some momentary weakness or inexplicable lapse the last five seconds. It was all so avoidable, if only the danger had been taken seriously.

That’s what it’s like with temptation. Act soon enough, and you’re safe. Take no action as temptation begins to seep in, and the danger slowly mounts until finally not even the strongest saint could survive the onslaught.

It’s not what happens in a moment of weakness that is critical. What matters is what you do right now to protect yourself from those moments. I began wondering how far back from intercourse one must begin the fight. If there is no big difference between Christians and non-Christians when it comes to the movies they watch and the way they kiss when dating, should we be surprised if there is no big difference further down that slippery slope?

It would be very wrong to suppose that knowing where to draw the line is just a young person’s problem. It is a dilemma for Christian singles of all ages, breaking countless hearts, even when it hasn’t lead to a moral fall. A woman in her mid-sixties, having been widowed for several years, was not only free from fresh memories of sex, she had gritted her teeth during marital relations throughout her long marriage. A 70 year old widower, whom she felt no physical attraction to, tongue kissed her. Despite what we might expect from her age and sad sexual history, she found it dangerously arousing. He couldn’t see a problem. She felt herself inching closer to a no-longer dormant volcano of uncontrollable passion. The result was heart wrenching as she tried to explain why she had to back off.

As I pondered the danger of snoozing in a leaking boat, I recalled a feature of lovemaking that I, being unmarried, suddenly found alarming. Because of its key role in maintaining marital oneness, lovemaking is divinely designed to disarm one’s reservations and aloofness and be almost drug-like in its amazing ability to soothe. In fact, when the Bible speaks of David comforting his grieving wife, it resulted in pregnancy (2 Samuel 12:24). The nearly miraculous power of lovemaking to comfort and reassure is a feature not just of those aspects of lovemaking that must be restricted to marriage. Even something as innocent as holding hands or saying or hearing the words, ‘I love you,’ is infused with an almost hypnotic power to melt away one’s apprehensions and make a couple feel wonderfully secure and at ease in each other’s presence. Little wonder, then, that when, as an unmarried couple, we become even slightly affectionate, we tend to let our defenses down in the very situation that we need to be on heightened alert to sexual temptation.

Two devout Christians who had been dating received a very special touch from God in a church service. They left the church on a spiritual high, and after an hour or so they fall into sin with each other. Devastated, they came to their pastor in tears. ‘How ever could this have happened at such a time?’ they asked in shattered disbelief. They had been feeling so close to God that they supposed they were invulnerable. Filled with the warm love of God and excitement over what he had done, their feelings imperceptibly slipped from God to love for each other and slowly gained momentum on the roller coaster ride to out-of-control passion. The enemy is like a beast of prey silently stalking those who suppose think would not be attacked. He’s smart enough to know that those who are on the alert for danger will spot him early and be off in a flash; running so fast that he’ll never sink his teeth into them.

‘So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!’ (1 Corinthians 10:12).

In other words, a false sense of security is as spiritually lethal as passionate kissing behind the steering wheel of a speeding car. The issue is not whether a couple can trust each other but whether they can trust the devil. Letting our defenses down is as smart as bedding down to sleep across a railway track.

If we were alone with a stranger of ill repute, alarm bells would be blaring within us. Not so, when we are alone with our most trusted and dearest friend. And yet we have a deadly spiritual enemy who delights in tempting us when we least expect it, and in getting at us through the person we love and respect the most. He used this very ploy on the Holy Lord himself. ‘Get behind me, Satan,’ the Son of God was forced to tell his best friend. Moved by love, Peter was trying his utmost to comfort and reassure his dear friend. It was at that very moment that the enemy slipped in. Peter had no idea that his attempts to comfort his beloved Master were being used of the Evil One to tempt the Holy Lord (Matthew 16:21-23).

Given the soothing, reassuring nature of lovemaking and the fact that it involves our dearest friend, it is hard to think of any other type of temptation in which we are so lulled into letting our guard down. Add to this the fact that even limiting oneself to handholding – to say nothing of further down the slippery slide – is like trying to stop at eating a single salted peanut. No wonder so many of us fall!

There have been times and societies in which couples were never allowed alone until after the wedding. That sounds hopelessly old-fashioned – almost as old-fashioned as virginity is becoming. I’m seeking, not necessarily to convince you of the wisdom of the past, but to stimulate your thinking. My goal throughout this webpage is to inspire you to stretch your mind and to think outside the square in your personal search for wise, Spirit-led ways to avoid soiling yourself. This is needed because the sad reality is that the approach of average present-day Christian couples is simply not working.

By the way, don’t let the Deceiver tell you that because of a past tragedy you have nothing left to preserve. If you are trusting Christ’s miraculous ability to purify, then you are his virgin and have everything to preserve. You won’t want to break the heart of the One who gave his all for you.

Experiencing God's Grace: One Woman's Story

There is no sin so offensive to a woman's body, soul and mind as sexual sin. A decision I made about sex more than twenty years ago has had difficult and serious consequences. Perhaps I was ripe for what happened. I was frequently uprooted from friends, relatives and safe environments by our frequent moves as a family. I felt isolated from a busy, preoccupied mother and an absent father who travelled a lot. I don't remember being lavished with love from either of them.

The decision was mine, however, to have intercourse as a teen. Looking to boyfriends as a source of love and security gave me what my family didn't: identity, belonging and security.

My husband says sin happens in increments. This is especially true with sexual sin. I didn't wake up one day and say, "This is it-I want to have intercourse." Instead, I gave in slowly to my boyfriend, over a period of a year and in small steps. It wasn't long before it dawned on me that I had given so much that preserving my virginity didn't really matter anymore.

It took months, perhaps years, to fully realize what I had done. Shame slowly crept in, robbing me of joy. I found myself active in my church, with young women looking to me as a role model, and yet my past sins haunted me through embarrassing and painful memories. As I grew in my faith, I became more and more disappointed that I had not been stronger in those early years. I also realized with great sadness that I could no longer give my future husband (whoever he would be) the gift of my virginity.

For ten years after that early relationship ended, I was haunted by the weight of my sin. But then my healing process started through sharing with women friends, praying, and praying some more. I felt God's forgiveness as counseling, reading, studying Scripture and healing prayer became significant stages of that process. But it wasn't easy. It was long, twisted and painful.

One experience was particularly helpful. At one prayer meeting some women were praying for me. My feet felt heavy, as if encased in cement. I described the sensation and began sharing my past sexual experiences. As I received their love and assurances of forgiveness, the cement broke into pieces, and soon I felt as if my feet were in dancing shoes! I felt free of the shame and bondage of my past, and I felt God's love and forgiveness deep within my bones. That prayer meeting was just one of many steps in the healing process for me.

Years later, I began dating the man I eventually married. After we had been dating for many months, he honored me by asking if he could kiss me- a gift to me that I'll always treasure. He was the first man whose standards for our physical relationship were good and upright. The discoveries on our honeymoon night were a delight. His virginity was a gift to me beyond words. And my restoration freed me to share myself with him. -Anonymous

Pre-marital Sex. Why wait? A Look at the Lies we Face By: Alice Fryling

History teaches us that people believe what they want to hear. Lies can sound so true when people are starving for truth. Even whole societies will feast on their promises. The Inquisition was based on the lie that some people could force other people to change their religious beliefs. American colonists believed the lie that people of one race had the right to own, buy and sell people of another race. More recently, hundreds of thousands of people believed Hitler's lie that the Jewish race should be eradicated. Most of us can hardly imagine that anyone could have believed these lies. And yet we swallow other lies all the time.

Our society is starving for intimacy. And many of the lies we believe in our culture have to do with our hunger for relationship. We want acceptance, loving relationships and deep intimacy, and yet we believe the lie that sex will satisfy our hunger. It's true that we are profoundly sexual beings, but it's time to examine some of the lies we feast on: the lie that premarital sex is one of our unalienable rights, the lie that sexual intercourse is the route to intimacy, and the lie that premarital abstinence is obsolete at best and repressive at worst. These are all lies.

We have bought into these lies because we are a starving people. We are people who long to be loved, touched and understood in a world of declining family ties and epidemic dysfunction. Our desires are certainly not new; they are as old as humanity. The difference in our world today is that people are trying to fulfill these longings in strange ways: through machines (TV's, CD players, and computers), through sports, material possessions, institutions and sex. Especially through sex. "Try it just once and you'll be fulfilled." "Go for variety and you won't be bored." "A life without sex is a life without belonging." Sexual experience has become a personal right, a need to be met and a norm to be accepted.

The tragedy of all this is that people are dying of emotional starvation, and they are looking for food in the wrong places. I would like to identify seven lies that our society is making about sex. The truth is that sex outside of marriage is not all it's cracked up to be. There is no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

Lie #1: Sex creates intimacy. Genital sex is an expression of intimacy, not the means to intimacy. True intimacy springs from verbal and emotional communion. True intimacy is built on a commitment to honesty, love and freedom. True intimacy is not primarily a sexual encounter. Intimacy, in fact, has almost nothing to do with our sex organs. A prostitute may expose her body, but her relationships are hardly intimate.

Premarital sexual intercourse may actually hinder intimacy. Donald Joy writes that indulging in sexual intercourse prematurely short-circuits the emotional bonding process. He cites one study of 100,000 women that links early sexual experience with dissatisfaction in their present marriages, unhappiness with the level of sexual intimacy and a prevalence of low self-esteem (Christianity Today, October 3, 1986).

Lie #2: Starting sex early in a relationship will help you get to know one another and become better partners later. Sexual intercourse and extensive physical exploration early in a relationship do not reflect sex at its best. Of course there is sensual pleasure for those who engage in premarital sexual experiences, but they are missing out on the best route to marital happiness. Sex is an art that is learned best in the safe environment of marriage. I met with one student whose disappointment with her sexual encounters prompted her to overcome great embarrassment and ask me point blank: "Is sex in marriage as bad as it is outside of marriage?" She had arrived at the end of the rainbow, looking for the promised pot of gold, and she had found only disillusionment.

When unrestrained physical intimacy dominates a relationship, other parts of that relationship suffer. In healthy marriages, sex takes its natural place beside the intellectual, emotional and practical aspects of life. Married couples spend less time in bed than they do in conversation, in problem solving, and in emotional communion. The lie that premarital sex prepares you for marriage denies the fact that sexual happiness grows only through years of intimate relationship. The height of sexual pleasure, psychologists tell us, usually comes after ten to twenty years of marriage.

Good sex begins in the head. It depends on intimate knowledge of your partner. The Bible uses the words "to know" to describe sexual intercourse: "Adam knew his wife Eve and she conceived . . ." (Genesis 4:1, NRSV). This choice of words elevates human sexuality from mere animal sex where availability is the main requirement to a full, intimate expression of love and commitment.

Lie #3: Casual sex without long-term commitments is both fun and freeing. Those who settle for short-term sexual relationships are settling for second-best sex. Journalist George Leonard observed that

"casual recreational sex is hardly a feast-not even a good hearty sandwich. It is a diet of fast food served in plastic containers. Life's feast is available only to those who are willing and able to engage life on a deeply personal level, giving all, holding back nothing." (Quoted by Joyce Huggett in Dating, Sex & Friendship, InterVarsity Press, p. 82.)

For a woman, particularly, sex can reveal hidden fears and lack of trust. Good sex-which can be a healing agent over time-requires trust, trust which grows best in the context of the life-long commitment of marriage.

Lie #4: If you don't express your sexuality freely, you must be repressed, sick or prudish. This can be a very intimidating lie, but the facts are that premature sex is bad for your emotional, physical and cultural health. The February 1991 issue of the journal Pediatrics reported that researchers at Indiana University found that sexually active teenagers are more likely to be prone to alcohol abuse and illegal drugs, and are more likely to have trouble in school. They reported that sexually active girls were more likely to be depressed, have low self esteem, feel lonely or attempt suicide.

Premarital sex may be bad for the emotional health of your future marriage. It lays the groundwork for comparisons, suspicions, and mistrust. "Am I as attractive (or as sexually stimulating) as his last partner?" "If she didn't wait for me before we were married, why do I think she will settle for only me now?" "If someone better comes along, will I be left in the dust?"

Premarital sex is also bad for your physical health. Sexually transmitted diseases have received abundant attention from the press in recent years. Equal time has not been given to the opinion held by many medical experts that extra-marital abstinence is without a doubt the best way to avoid these diseases.

Sexual promiscuity is even bad for the health of our civilization. One study of more than eighty societies ranging in development from ancient to primitive to more modern revealed "an unvarying correlation between the degree of sexual restraints and the rate of social progress. Cultures that were more sexually permissive displayed less cultural energy, creativity, intellectual development and individualism, and a slower general cultural ascent . . ." (Reo Christenson, Christianity Today, February 19, 1982). Why, then, do we-as individuals and as a society-trade our energy, creativity, and intellectual development for momentary sexual pleasure? Because we have believed a lie.

Lie #5: Sex is freedom. Premarital sex is hardly an expression of freedom. Young people who become sexually active in response to peer pressure to be sophisticated and independent are actually becoming victims of current public opinion. No one is really free who engages in any activity in order to impress the majority.

Lie #6: Surely God understands that this is the twentieth century! How can what society says is okay be wrong? Scripture is clear that sexual intercourse outside the bonds of marriage is sin. Even if we had no other evidence, God's word makes it clear that intercourse outside of marriage is not only outside our best interests, but it is also wrong. In his seventh commandment to the Israelites, God said "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14). Jesus was even more inclusive when he described the evil within men's hearts, including "sexual immorality" (Mark 7:21). Paul exhorted the Corinthians to "flee from sexual immorality" (see 1 Corinthians 6:18-19), and to the Ephesians he said that there must not be among them even a "hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people" (Ephesians 5:3). The writer of the letter to the Hebrews wrote, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral" (Hebrews 13:4).

I do not believe that God gave these rules because he is a spoil-sport. Quite the contrary. Because God created us and because he loves us more than we can ever know, he has told us how to have the best, most satisfying sexual experiences: in marriage. That's where sex is fun! Premarital abstinence and marital faithfulness is not a denial of my rights or my pleasures. It is choosing to experience sex in the healthiest, happiest context.

Lie #7: Why wait? How can you know for sure that waiting is best? Maybe sex isn't worth the wait. Maybe it's best to take the opportunities you have now. Obedience to God's commands includes trusting him to know what's best for us-even if we don't fully grasp his reasons. The choices we make in our sexual behavior require faith in truths we may not understand. God required the Israelites to obey dozens of laws, many of which were good for their health even though they didn't know why. Look at one example in Leviticus 15:2, 9-10:

"When any man has a bodily discharge, the discharge is unclean. . . . Everything the man sits on while riding will be unclean."

Thousands of years ago, no one had heard of germs and micro-organisms that carry disease. If some young man had complained about God's unfairness in not letting him ride the same horse as his friend who had the discharge, could he have understood if God had explained venereal disease to him in scientific detail? Not likely. [See Scientific Facts In The Bible] Likewise, there are spiritual, emotional, physical and psychological reasons why God has limited sexual intercourse to the marriage bed. Some of those reasons are beyond our understanding. We simply must believe that God knows what is best for us.

When we live within the confines of God's limits, we live by faith in a loving God. Sexual purity is, in the final analysis, an expression of our confidence in God's goodness, an indication of our trust in Jesus. "You are my friends," Jesus said, "if you do what I command" (John 15:14). "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1). Living by faith means applying this definition of faith to the situation at hand. We exercise faith and obedience, not because of what we know, but because of the person we love, Jesus himself. The truth that sex is best within the context of marriage cannot be proven ahead of time. But we can learn from those who have already made their choices. I asked my friend Liz, a psychotherapist, "How often do you see clients who wish they had not explored their sexuality so much before marriage?" "Oh, very often," she answered. Then I asked, "And how often do you have clients who wish they had gone further in physical intimacy before marriage?" Her eyes widened, and she looked at me with surprise as she answered emphatically, "Never!" This is one of life's great faith issues.

If you decide to wait, it will take great courage and strength. If you decide not to wait, you will never know what you missed. You cannot have it both ways. No one can prove that premarital abstinence works. I believe that medical, psychological, and sociological evidence strongly supports the position that sex outside of marriage is not good for us. But in the final analysis, it is an issue of faith. For Christian men and women at the end of the twentieth century, the choices we make in our sexual behavior may be one of the main ways God calls us to believe. Do we dare to be different? Do we dare to believe the truth of God's Word even though it contradicts most of the lies surrounding us? I believe that God is calling us to this kind of radical faith.

Scripture and WaitingWhat does God think about sexual activity before marriage? For Christians, behavior in a dating relationship isn't driven by passion or the advice of friends. [See Premarital Sex and The Bible]

Wait Training: Living with Unfulfilled Desires Does God's abundant forgiveness mean that we can go ahead and sin, knowing that God is gracious? Paul addressed this question in his letter to the Romans. "Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" (Romans 6:1-2). Paul goes on to give an excellent theological basis for righteous living. But some very honest people get stuck in verse 2. "Wait a minute!" they say. "Would to God my sexual desires were dead! Then I wouldn't be having the problems I'm facing in waiting until marriage to see my desires fulfilled. What am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

While Paul goes on to his theological treatise, let me offer eight suggestions for maintaining healthy relationships in spite of strong sexual desires.

1. Admit your strong sexual hunger. Ignoring it won't make it go away. God created us as sexual beings. It was his idea that we experience sexual stimulation. If stimulation becomes a seemingly unbearable temptation, look at your lifestyle to see if you can make changes which will help you cope more effectively with your desires. Maybe there are some situations you can avoid. (Alcoholics avoid cocktail parties. Likewise, there's nothing wrong with avoiding too much sexual stimulation.) Beyond avoiding sexually stimulating situations, do something for others which will help you take the focus off yourself. For many people, vigorous exercise helps calm their strong sexual desires. Be honest with yourself, and remember, "no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

2. Accept the fact that complete satisfaction has to wait. A dating relationship is not intended to bring full sexual satisfaction. If that's your goal, you will be disappointed. The potential for complete sexual satisfaction is only found in marital communion and sexual intercourse. The sacrifice you make in the name of Christian obedience is that you will give up that physical fulfillment before marriage, but the pleasure you will receive will be like opening a beautiful gift on just the right occasion.

3. Value your future mate now. Keep your future marriage partner in mind as you determine your behavior in your current relationship. Set your goal. What do you want to save for your husband or wife? The answer can lead to some very practical decisions: You may decide not to lie down close beside anyone else. You should save all forms of undressing. Some even decide to save their passionate kisses for their future marriage partners. When you're with your date, ask yourself, "If I marry someone else, will I be sorry about what I am doing right now?"

4. Set your standards high. Christians walk along a steep cliff regarding sexual behavior. The idea is not to see how close to the edge you can get without falling off, but to see how carefully you can walk to avoid potential danger. Be honest about the activities which are in your danger zone. If an activity (studying together in your bedroom, seeing "R" rated movies, passionate kissing) is too hot for you to handle, then it's off limits for you, no matter what anyone else says. Try to determine beforehand what these activities are. Be ready and able to verbalize your own standards and guidelines. Don't wait until 1 a.m. when you arrive home with your date to figure out what you believe is appropriate. Fight the battle on a level that you can win.

5. Guard your commitments carefully. Never make a commitment on a physical level which you have not already made on an emotional, intellectual and spiritual level. One of the lies of our society is that a romantic relationship needs sexual intercourse in order to be truly intimate. In fact, intercourse merely reflects intimacy; it does not create it. Intimacy is the result of the bonding of hearts, the meeting of minds and the communion of souls. Too much physical involvement actually detracts from this kind of intimacy. Anyone can kiss, but not everyone can carry on an intimate conversation.

6. Help each other stay true. If there is a difference of opinion about what is appropriate behavior in a relationship, the couple should go with the one with the more tender conscience. It's damaging to the relationship when one person is pressured to move too fast into physical intimacy. That tender conscience may be God's gift to the couple to help keep their relationship healthy.

7. Keep in mind that men and women respond differently to sexual stimulation. One statistic says that a man is stimulated four times more quickly and more intensely than a woman. A man's sexual arousal is apt to come early in the relationship. This may or may not be followed by emotional bonding. A woman, on the other hand, is more apt to bond emotionally first, and then experience sexual arousal. If a woman doesn't remember this, she may assume that a man's sexual advances imply an emotional bonding which is not necessarily there. If a man doesn't keep this in mind, he may make advances which miscommunicate his level of commitment. In marriage, these differences in sexual timing keep the relationship well-rounded and growing, but it can be confusing to young couples starting to date.

Another difference in stimulation is that men are generally more stimulated by sight and women by touch. Again, this is a creative difference in marriage, but it can wreak havoc for a single person. I remember a single male staff member who was distracted on campus by the skimpy tee shirts and short shorts worn by the women students. If he was distracted in his daily ministry, I can imagine the pressure would be pretty high on a date! Likewise, I've talked with single women who feel deceived by male friends who have communicated with touch more affection than they really feel in the relationship. Just as a woman needs to be loving toward her male companion in what she wears and how she carries herself, likewise a man needs to be loving in the way he chooses to touch or not touch a woman.

8. Don't let feelings guide your sexual behavior. Feelings are a wonderful gift from God, but they are risky. If ever there is a time to apply Jeremiah 17:9, it is now: "The heart is deceitful above all things." This is an area of life where we desperately need to follow Paul's instructions: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is" (Romans 12:2). We can "renew our minds" in terms of our sexual behavior by studying Scripture, journaling about our convictions, praying alone and with a friend, and by daily reminding ourselves that God's will for us is good, that he loves us completely, and that he desires only the very best for us, in sex and in life. Alice Fryling. 

For Those Who Didn't Wait 

If you've already chosen to have sex before marriage, you probably believed one of three things: 1) if we are truly in love, this is okay; 2) if I want it so badly, it must be natural and therefore okay; or 3) if God doesn't take away my desire, it must be okay. These are three of the biggest lies about sex that Satan feeds to Christians. And, remember, "When he lies, he speaks his native language" (John 8:44).

To make matters worse, if you discover that you've caved in to a lie and then admit your sin, Satan may hit you with another set of lies: "You are damaged goods. No one will ever love you. God will never be able to accept you or use you again in his Kingdom." One friend told me that she had a harder time dealing with the shame of her premarital sexual experience than with the guilt. She said that as she grew in her faith, she experienced more awareness of God's forgiveness of her guilt. But she continued to feel deep shame about her actions.

Whether Satan uses lies, unwarranted guilt or shame, his intent is that we write ourselves off because of our sin. But this is utterly contrary to Scripture. If our sins destroyed us completely, there would not be hope for any of us.

Paul wrote to the Romans that God hates many sins: sexual impurity, idolatry, murder, evil doing and a host of other terrible sins. But notice what else Paul includes in his list: gossip, boastfulness, disobedience to parents, and deceit (Romans 1:24-32). What a mixed list! Who can claim innocence? The bottom line is that all of us are utterly dependent upon his grace, whatever the expression of our own sinfulness. None of us can stand before God except on the basis of a "righteousness that is by faith from first to last" (Romans 1:17).

But some of us need more reassurance than this verse gives. "Being forgiven is one thing, but am I so tainted by my sin that purpose and meaning are gone from my life?" If this is your question, take a look at the account of Jesus' ancestors in Matthew 1:1-16. There are only four women listed in this passage, yet from prostitution to adultery, these women were affected by the evil in their worlds. This is no oversight on God's part. I think he intentionally chose women to whom we can relate. In this list are women and men who are like us. Some sinned sexually. Others were deeply affected by the moral climate around them. But these were the people in the lineage of Jesus. God not only fully forgives, he also fully redeems. He's using sinful people, like you and me, to build his Kingdom. Alice Fryling

Afterward: My First Kiss by: Jason T. Vanderlaan

A light breeze glided around us, whispering a mystery.  She leaned in closer.  Her hair danced gently across my face, caressing my cheeks.  I leaned in closer.  I could taste the breath from her parted lips – a silent request for more.  Our eyes closed, and then…  the kiss!

            Or, at least, that’s how I imagine it might be like.  The truth is I’ve never kissed a girl.  But before you pity me, let me be clear: I’ve chosen to save my first kiss until marriage.

            Now, I’m very curious to know what is going through your mind right now.  Perhaps some of you still pity me.  Maybe some of you admire me (though God knows I definitely don’t deserve it).  Some may think it is a nice but antique idea.  Others may be offended, thinking I’m some kind of prude who wants to not only deprive myself of certain relational enjoyments, but also deprive everyone else as well.

            But to be honest, I desire none of those responses.  All I want is for you to give me a few moments and let me tell you why I’ve made such a choice.  This will only be a basic summary, not a detailed analysis, but when we’re finished I hope to have given you something to think about, whether we agree or disagree.

I.  Why Should Marriage Matter to the Unmarried?

            All of this begins with my concept of marriage.  I believe that marriage is the most unique of all human relationships.  Each type of relationship is special in its own way, but a husband and wife share more unique, private experiences, both emotional and physical, than anyone else.

            For simplicity sake, we’re just going to look at the physical aspects of relationships, and even then, more narrowly focused on the American culture in which I live.  I realize these things may vary from culture to culture a bit. 

            There are certain acts that are common to human interactions – hugs, touching hands (handshakes, an act of comfort, holding hands in prayer or song, etc.), and so on.  But there are other acts which are exclusive to husband and wife – primarily but not limited to sex of any kind.  These interactions not only emphasize and enhance the intimacy of the marriage relationship, but also its uniqueness.  By choosing to refrain from these exclusive acts outside of marriage, a person upholds the value and holiness (set-apartness) of marriage. 

This commitment to uniqueness, however, begins even before marriage.  For example, if you believe that sexual intercourse is exclusive to marriage, would you go around having sex with anyone you want up until your wedding day and then after that only with your spouse?  Of course not!  You understand that sexual intercourse is to be a unique, shared experience with your spouse only. 

            Therefore, even before marriage, you are faithful to your spouse by not having sex with anyone who isn’t your spouse.  This also excludes anyone you’re dating or even engaged to.  Unless he/she is your spouse, you do not have spousal rights.

            Support for such a view of marriage is not very common or popular.  Even among Christians who vow to abstain from sex until marriage, the idea of honoring your spouse before marriage tends to be very limited and compartmentalized.

            For example, a couple may promise to wait until marriage to have sexual intercourse, but they might consider anything up to that point to be permissible.  But is that really respecting the holiness of marriage?  Is it only sexual intercourse that is unique to marriage or is it anything and everything sexual?

II.  To Kiss or Not to Kiss?

            So what does any of this have to do with kissing?  Where do you draw the line between what is to be saved for marriage and what is acceptable before marriage?

            The first thing I’d like to say is that the most important question isn’t, “How far can I go without it being wrong?” but “How far can I go to protect the uniqueness and sacredness of marriage?”  The focus should be on guarding and cherishing the heart of your future spouse.

            Secondly, I’d like to suggest the following principle: Any act that is unique to the marriage relationship should be abstained from until marriage. 

            Basically, ask yourself this: will I be doing such-and-such with anyone but my spouse once I’m married?  If the answer is no, then it is an act unique to marriage and should be saved for your spouse only… and unless you have a spouse, that means you don’t get to do it yet.  Or, better phrased, you get to keep that part of yourself especially for the person you marry. 

Now, I’m aware that there are some grey areas and I am not advocating drawing a line between marriage and non-marriage that says “no physical contact before, even in dating.”  I believe that marriage is significantly different than anything before it, but I also see how dating can be a transitional phase between “just friends” and “just married.”  Thus, it lends itself to those types of physical interactions which gradually increase in intimacy as two people grow closer to each other.

            To be clear, I’m not trying to give you step-by-step instructions on how to live your love life.  Rather, I’m trying to suggest some general principles that you could apply to your own experiences.  It is the responsibility of each couple to determine their boundaries within the context of purity.

            None of this is to say that physical touch is bad.  On the contrary, it is healthy and necessary in any intimate human relationship.  It is even likely that a relationship in our culture might suffer from a complete denial of physical expression.  But that doesn’t negate the truth that some interactions are to be reserved only for the marriage relationship.

            Let’s look at a couple examples of how this might look in real life. 

Exhibit A:  Hugging.  Once you are married, you will continue to hug people other than your spouse.  Therefore, a basic hug is not unique to marriage, and can be shared with your significant other before marriage. 

Of course, as a couple grows closer, the intimacy of hugs may increase.  Since it is so difficult to determine when a hug becomes too intimate for dating, it is the responsibility of the couple to draw a line that protects the uniqueness of marriage.

Exhibit B:  Kissing.  Once you are married, you will not kiss anyone on the lips except your spouse.  Therefore, it is an act unique to marriage, and should be saved for your spouse alone.  In some cultures, a person might kiss someone they’re not married to – for example, their child – but this is clearly different than the romantic kiss we’re referring to here.  Since it is easy to see the intended intimacy of such a kiss, it should be saved until marriage.

            In other words, you could argue forever about the fuzzy line between a “regular hug” and a “romantic hug,” and so I believe these grey areas of physical intimacy must be determined on a personal basis through communication between the couple during the transitional phase of dating.

However, no such argument can take place about kissing on the lips.  Such a kiss, as shared by a couple, is always romantic; it is therefore not a grey issue and does not belong in the transitional phase of dating.  Instead, it and other such interactions are to be saved for the uniqueness of marriage.

III.  What Really Matters Here?

            Obviously, these are very simple examples, and real life is much more complicated.  But I hope you get the idea of protecting the uniqueness of marriage even before you’re married.  Until the day you marry your girlfriend, she is not your wife.  Until the day you marry your boyfriend, he is not your husband. 

            Mainly we’ve focused on the physical side of relationships, but this also applies to emotional intimacy.  In fact, I think that the physical and emotional sides of our being are so interwoven that sometimes we do a disservice by discussing them as if they are wholly separate.  So whether we’re talking about our bodies or our emotions, what we’re really talking about is how our thoughts and actions affect not only our own hearts, but each other’s hearts as well.

            So my question is this: what are you doing now – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually – to invest in the quality of your future marriage?

            Of course, the idea of preparing for marriage even before your wedding day doesn’t solve all pre-marital problems.  Delayed gratification can still be a difficult process.  And where to draw the line between developing a current relationship and saving yourself for your future spouse can be confusing at times.

            But, in my own experience, the idea of cherishing my future spouse has helped me to shift my focus away from myself.  If I believe that one day I’ll meet someone who I’ll spend the rest of my life with, then reserving certain aspects of myself in the present no longer becomes a burdensome barrier, but rather a way for me to love my spouse – before I even meet her!

            Or, if I believe the person I’m with is someone I’ll want to marry (which, in my opinion, is the only good reason to date), then, as hard as it may be at times, I can have patience because I know I’ll have my whole life to share with her and that I don’t have to do it all right now.  It can be a gradual process as the relationship grows.

            And if somehow I don’t end up with that person, then at least I know that I’ve treated her respectfully.  After all, if she isn’t my true love, then she is likely to be someone

else’s, and I want to honor her and her future spouse, just as I hope that my future spouse is honoring me and being honored by others.

            In the end, there are so many complications and variables that it can seem like too much to handle.  If so much about our future marriages rests on what we are doing now, and if we make so many mistakes in the present, how can we ever hope to be happy?

            It is not my goal to discourage you with all these ideas about honoring your spouse ahead of time.  To be sure, we have all messed up and hurt those we love, and we will continue to do so from time to time.  But with God, there is always mercy and forgiveness.  And more than that, there is renewal.  Though we stray from the path, if we ask God and put our trust in Him, He will always be there to guide us back to where He wants us to be.

            The amount of times we’ve failed is not as important as the true desire of our heart to honor God and our future spouses.  King David made a multitude of mistakes, and yet he was considered a man after God’s own heart.  I think this is because he always returned to God and allowed God to forgive and renew him. 

            We, too, can have that kind of relationship with God.  As we learn to trust God with every aspect of our relationships, we’ll find that although He doesn’t always remove every obstacle or difficulty, He will always do whatever is best for us. And as His love grows in our hearts, we will be able to share that love with others, including our future spouses.

By: Jason T. Vanderlaan
From the book Unspoken Confessions
(Balm and Blade Publishing)
Get the book! at  http://balmandblade.com/books.htm 

Heaven is definitely better than sex. Sex can be awesome because God is awesome and He is the creator of sex; however, heaven will always be better than any sex on earth, and this website is all about why. Check back in a few days to see our new site.

-Rachel